Positivity

I am doing this positivity challenge on Facebook – for five days you’re supposed to write three positive things, things you’re grateful for.  So I think this is what I’m going to write today…..i will most likely edit this for FB; it’s a bit long and who in the world is going to read it all. And honestly, I don’t know if I want everyone on FB reading thoughts like this.  This is pretty personal, I hold this one close to the chest.

Today, I’m going to go a bit rogue (again)…..today I’m feeling a bit nostalgic so I am thankful for my history.

I am thankful for my Mom, who is now a part of my history.  For all that she was and wasn’t, and for all the times she stopped speaking to me (even the time just weeks before her passing), for all the times she frustrated me because she refused to go to a doctor, for all the good and the bad, she was my Mom and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her desperately.  This experience has taught me one really big thing – it doesn’t matter what your relationship with your mom is like; when she’s gone, you are forever changed and you will always feel an emptiness that will never be filled again.  There are things that she will not be here for, things that she should be here for.  There are holidays and events that won’t feel the same without her.  Without her and what she did/didn’t do when I was a child, I am who I am today and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for every stupid boy I ever dated J.  Without them, I wouldn’t have known what I wanted or what I couldn’t put up with.  My ex’s, including my ex-husband, taught me more about myself than I could have alone.  So for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my friends, still here or long gone.  They taught me how to be myself, how to laugh at myself, how to laugh at others without getting caught, how to laugh at yourself when you are caught laughing at others, and they taught me to be happy with who I am and to be who I want to be.  For those that I fought with, for those that didn’t stand by me, they taught me how to stand alone and they taught me that you can’t trust everyone no matter how much you think they care.  So for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for the rocky road that has brought Rob and I to this point.  As the song goes “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you”; our road is very, very broken  and I know a lot of people don’t understand how we got here or even why we’re here together but is not their story.  I knew a very long time ago, when he first walked through my door 11 or 12 years ago, that we would end up here.  I don’t know how or why, but I have always known that he was the person I was supposed to be with and now, here we are.  Together we have been through the good, the ugly and the horrific, but I have learned that in the end, with some work, dedication and stubbornness, love, patience and humor, you can end up happy together. So for all of the ups and downs, for all the tearful fights that we had to save ‘us’, for the times I tried to say good-bye only to have him show up at my door time and time again, for all the times he looks at me and I just know that this is where we belong and for every moment in between, I am thankful.  He truly is my partner in this life and I am beyond lucky to have him next to me and behind me; his hand on my shoulder at my saddest moments are what kept me from falling to the floor.  I don’t know if he will ever understand just how much he means to me.

I am thankful for the experiences I have had in my life that have led me to this place, right here and right now.  I have this horrible habit of looking far into the future – really far – that I try to tame as much as possible.  Today, I am trying to remain in the now and remember that today, I am lucky.  I am healthy, I have a great partner and a beautiful daughter. I have a good job, I can pay my bills, I have family and friends that love me.  sure there’s some scary stuff down the road ahead, but I’ll deal with it in time…..or whenever I stop being so positive about the now and start to freak out about the later.