Pissed & Disappointed

Today, I’m still staring at my phone.  I thought by now I would be able to pick it up, ask the questions and book the date but I haven’t been able to get myself to tell yet another person about why I am doing this fund-raiser.  I thought I could do it because this is what I ‘need’ to do – I need a distraction, I need to feel like all that crap that happened – that was happening a year ago right now – was for some good reason and not just to drive me to the brink of looney-tunes emotionally and mentally.  I need to feel like something positive came from this because so far, there hasn’t been a silver lining.

But I’m just still staring.  I know what I want to do in terms of marketing the event, reaching out to people, organizing the donations, etc.  I know all of it and I even have a plan written out.  But the first step, making it a real thing and giving it a name, I can’t bring myself to do.  I can’t do  it because it would mean that she really is gone, she really is dead.  Even now, I have a hard time using that word and it’s been over 8 months.  I’ll say “passed away” but I won’t use the ‘d’ word.  It’s just too real, too harsh, too much of an ending.

I’m angry at myself for staring, for standing still, for not pushing myself forward like I feel like I should but can’t seem to do.  I know that I need to do things at my own pace, (insert misc. bs here that people tell you) but I feel guilty for not doing this all already.  I should have been done and over with this whole fundraiser by now, technically; I had the idea to do it over the summer or really late in the Spring so why the hell haven’t I done it yet???

Grief really makes you reach across the gamut of emotions, doesn’t it?  I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m self-deprecating, I’m back to sad, oh look here comes anger around the bend mixed in with some selfishness just for fun.  No one can prepare you for the journey that is the grief after a loved one dies; there is no self-help book that has a title with your name on it (how cool would that be though??).  If there was a map I could buy at the Barnes & Noble when I go to pick up a latte, I would pay any amount of money for it at this point.  Just when I think I’m starting to turn a corner and feel ‘normal’ again, I get hit with something – these days it’s the looming holidays and the memories of how she was last year this time.  I look forward to next year at this time when it’s not so fresh, and maybe the guilt won’t be such an overbearing pain in the ass.