Disappearing Self

I have sacrificed a lot this year to make myself ‘work’, for lack of a better word.  I’ve sucked it up more times than I can count, went to work, got out of bed, took care of my daughter instead of just focusing on myself.  I’ve stayed at home while he went to see his children, while he went on a very long vacation with one of them.  I’ve done things I didn’t want to do, including telling my father things that I never wanted to say out loud but had no choice at the time.  I’ve put my fears aside and faced things that no one should; I told a nurse to start the process of allowing my  mother to die.  No child should have to do that.  I’ve been the rock that I’ve always been in the face of insanity and uncertainty.  I haven’t gone to the cemetery when I’ve wanted to, so that I can spend time with my family.  I haven’t run away all of the times that I wanted to – and if I had, I don’t know if I would be back by now.  I’ve put my own needs to the side because that’s just what I do.  Everyone else is more important, what everyone else wants and needs is more important.  And now, based upon a recent conversation, I’m being asked to support my partner first, as if I don’t already do that every day.  As if I make a decision to do it.  As if I put myself first regularly.  And the few times that I have, well, I don’t remember when I have.  Even when my mother died, I put my child’s needs before mine – she was sick the day my mom died and I came home right from the hospital to be with her, to comfort her, instead of just driving around in silence and shock which is what I wanted to do.  I take care of everyone else around me before I take care of me, and now, its being insinuated that that’s not the case.  How can I put myself any further back on the burner?  Should I just allow him to run rampant, make whatever decisions he wants about anything and everything and not say a word?  Should I just work, take care of our child, and not have an opinion on anything else so that he feels that he is my priority more so than he is already. At what point will I lose myself entirely?  I’d like to know that so I’m prepared for that moment and I know what to expect.

Why Am I Crying??

It’s one of those days when I’m crying and I don’t really know why.  Oh the fun.  This morning I was listening to a cd one of my friends made for me and a U2 song came on…that was Donna’s favorite band, she died 5 years ago.  So the music started and I started to cry.  Then the duet that Robert Downey, Jr and Sting did on Every Breath You Take came on and, again, on came the tears.  I have no idea why.  I’m such an emotional wreck today and I don’t really know why.  There’s a part of me that is very happy – my relationship is in a good place, my daughter is doing GREAT in school, my dad is doing okay right now, we’re adopting cats this weekend, all is well in that part. And then there’s that other part.  The other part that just makes me sad, the part that’s disappointed over so much that I can’t change, the part that is just so sad, that’s the part that makes me want to curl up on the couch with a box of donuts, fashion magazines, Arrow on the TV (good LORD he is hot), and a fuzzy blanket. Alone.  So I can cry if I want, I can be mad if I want, I can just be.  That part of me, on days like today, is very loud in my head and yells “go the F home already”.  Even on days like today when I can’t.  I have too much to do, a class to teach, and not enough vacation time to use any way.

How do you go through your day, your life, when all you want to do is be on your couch alone with some donuts?  I can’t even pretend that’s where I am….so I can’t take a mental vacation, that’s for sure.  Ugh.  I really want those donuts right now, too.

Suck It

Today is what I would like to call ‘shiteshow Tuesday', for a number of reasons.  I think I’ll make a bulleted list…

·         Last night, Emily was a BEAST.  Cried and screamed for 45 minutes in bed before finally passing out.  Thankfully she wasn’t horrible when I went in to wake her up this morning but man, it was hard to let go of the anger and disappointment I had left over from yesterday. Yesterday was really, really hard and I yelled at her once – only once which is surprising given how many times I had to walk away from her mid-tantrum, how many times I had to stop myself to breath so I wouldn’t yell. 

·         I have a bag of my mom’s clothes from Christmas in my house now.  My dad brought it over, thinking I could use some of it or I could just donate it.  I walked past it for the last few days, just glancing at it and trying to pretend it isn’t there – knowing that I at least have to move it, but this morning after my shower it just took over and I started to cry.  I have her stuff, and I don’t have her and it sucks.  I hate this so much.  I miss her, I have no idea if she’s okay, if she’s in heaven or somewhere else, if there even is an after this kind of existence, and I just feel empty today.  She is missing out on so much, and it sucks.

·         My computer wasn’t working when I got here, which meant I couldn’t start doing my prep for a class I have to teach tomorrow.

·         It was fixed but now that I go into the database I see that I don’t have everything that I need.

·         A plan that I wrote was rejected, again, by my executive director for – what I think (and my boss thinks) – really stupid reasons. Seriously, some of this information has appeared in prior plans and NOW she doesn’t like it.   UGH.

·         I don’t have lunch so I am more than just very tempted to have ice cream for lunch because really, why not at this point.

·         I can’t seem to make any headway with prepping because the test system keeps locking up on me.

·         I really wish I could restart this day, stay home, and not be so frustrated.

·         It’s 1:30 and I feel like I have accomplished nothing today – except for flirting via text with my significant other, which is a bonus since things have been a little weird between us lately so I guess I accomplished something…..

Internalize much??

Another one of my co-workers has lost a family member, her father.  I don’t know the details but I do know that he had fallen ill within the last few weeks and passed away yesterday.  Again, my heart is heavy and I just want to cry.  I remember what this part was like, and it was hard – it felt horrifically hard at the time – but not as hard as the days that followed.  Making the arrangements was almost easy, going to the wake wasn’t, going to the funeral wasn’t, going home and getting on with life most certainly wasn’t and still isn’t now.  I don’t know if I will ever again know what ‘easy’ is for my day-to-day; yes some days aren’t hard, some days I don’t cry.  But there are days – like today – when I just need to cry.  It all just reminds me of how hard it was to lose her, to watch her go, and I can only imagine how hard this is for Teresa. 

My unit consists of about 9 or 10 people in all; 5 of us have lost family members in the last year.  Three of us lost parents, one lost a mother-in-law.  Two fathers and a mother.  It doesn’t matter how old you are, it doesn’t matter what kind of person they were, in the end they were your mom or dad and they’re gone.  Thinking of what my co-worker, who I’ve known for over 4 years, is going through today – that first day of getting up and knowing what lies ahead – makes me sad.  Makes me sad for her, her family, her children, and it makes me a little sad for me and mine.  I remember it like it was yesterday and yet, it feels a million miles away….just like my mom.  I don’t feel her, I don’t know if she’s okay or if she’s with us, she’s just gone.  And a day like today reminds me of that feeling that I do my best to ignore, and it’s a feeling that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  It is an emptiness that I can’t describe other than that it makes me feel sad and alone.  Very, very alone.

Positivity

I am doing this positivity challenge on Facebook – for five days you’re supposed to write three positive things, things you’re grateful for.  So I think this is what I’m going to write today…..i will most likely edit this for FB; it’s a bit long and who in the world is going to read it all. And honestly, I don’t know if I want everyone on FB reading thoughts like this.  This is pretty personal, I hold this one close to the chest.

Today, I’m going to go a bit rogue (again)…..today I’m feeling a bit nostalgic so I am thankful for my history.

I am thankful for my Mom, who is now a part of my history.  For all that she was and wasn’t, and for all the times she stopped speaking to me (even the time just weeks before her passing), for all the times she frustrated me because she refused to go to a doctor, for all the good and the bad, she was my Mom and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her desperately.  This experience has taught me one really big thing – it doesn’t matter what your relationship with your mom is like; when she’s gone, you are forever changed and you will always feel an emptiness that will never be filled again.  There are things that she will not be here for, things that she should be here for.  There are holidays and events that won’t feel the same without her.  Without her and what she did/didn’t do when I was a child, I am who I am today and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for every stupid boy I ever dated J.  Without them, I wouldn’t have known what I wanted or what I couldn’t put up with.  My ex’s, including my ex-husband, taught me more about myself than I could have alone.  So for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for my friends, still here or long gone.  They taught me how to be myself, how to laugh at myself, how to laugh at others without getting caught, how to laugh at yourself when you are caught laughing at others, and they taught me to be happy with who I am and to be who I want to be.  For those that I fought with, for those that didn’t stand by me, they taught me how to stand alone and they taught me that you can’t trust everyone no matter how much you think they care.  So for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful for the rocky road that has brought Rob and I to this point.  As the song goes “God bless the broken road that led me straight to you”; our road is very, very broken  and I know a lot of people don’t understand how we got here or even why we’re here together but is not their story.  I knew a very long time ago, when he first walked through my door 11 or 12 years ago, that we would end up here.  I don’t know how or why, but I have always known that he was the person I was supposed to be with and now, here we are.  Together we have been through the good, the ugly and the horrific, but I have learned that in the end, with some work, dedication and stubbornness, love, patience and humor, you can end up happy together. So for all of the ups and downs, for all the tearful fights that we had to save ‘us’, for the times I tried to say good-bye only to have him show up at my door time and time again, for all the times he looks at me and I just know that this is where we belong and for every moment in between, I am thankful.  He truly is my partner in this life and I am beyond lucky to have him next to me and behind me; his hand on my shoulder at my saddest moments are what kept me from falling to the floor.  I don’t know if he will ever understand just how much he means to me.

I am thankful for the experiences I have had in my life that have led me to this place, right here and right now.  I have this horrible habit of looking far into the future – really far – that I try to tame as much as possible.  Today, I am trying to remain in the now and remember that today, I am lucky.  I am healthy, I have a great partner and a beautiful daughter. I have a good job, I can pay my bills, I have family and friends that love me.  sure there’s some scary stuff down the road ahead, but I’ll deal with it in time…..or whenever I stop being so positive about the now and start to freak out about the later.

Impact! (Ouch)

Last night, my sister and I saw 30 Seconds to Mars and Linkin Park in concert.  If you don’t know who 30 Seconds to Mars is, it’s fronted by Jared Leto who won an Oscar for “Dallas Buyers Club”.  If you don’t know who Linkin Park is, the best I can tell you is that they’ve done some music for the Transformer movies and they were one of the first – if not the first – to incorporate electronic music with rap.

At one point during the 30 STM set, Jared Leto came out into the audience to do a few acoustic songs; I’ve seen them three or four times now and this is his typical thing to do mid-set.  He played a song called ‘Attack’; it is the best F-You song that I have ever heard and I used to sing it (no, scream it) in my car when Rob and I had broken up years ago.  And hearing it acoustically, with just his vocals, almost made it new to me.  It hit a whole new emotional chord because I was hearing it from a new perspective; I was hearing it with more raw emotion in his voice than what’s on the CD and I was hearing it remembering what it was like to truly feel those words he was singing and it was a hard memory to process with that emotion coming through loud and clear on the gigantic speakers. He also sang ‘Alibi’ which basically says things suck, but they’ll get better, there is a better road ahead.  Both songs hit me in a way that I didn’t expect and that hadn’t happened before.  And it happened again later in the night during Linkin Park’s set when they sang ‘Shadow of the Day’ and another song that right now, its title eludes me but it doesn’t really matter….both made me feel more than they have in the past, and it’s because of where my life is now.

I am constantly surprised that, even now seven months into this rest of my life process, my mom’s passing has changed my perspective and how things impact me.  ‘Shadow of the Day’ has always been a sad song, ‘Alibi’ has always had it’s sad components, but neither ever made me cry until last night.  Sitting or standing there, listening to the lyrics live and really feeling them just made me look to the sky (well the roof of the amphitheater) and think “I miss you”.  I know she would laugh at me as she asked how last night was, since she has no clue who those bands are or what they sing. Had no clue, that is.  Even in the middle of a rock concert with flashing lights, blaring drums and electronics, people dancing and jumping all around me having the time of their lives, I am reminded of the fact that she is no longer here and I feel alone in a crowd of thousands. 

We Survived

Rob comes home today after a very long 12 days away from home.  I missed him, I really did. I enjoyed some of the alone time – watching my tv shows, eating cake without sharing, sleeping all night without being woken up by snoring or a repeatedly snoozed alarm. But I missed ‘him’ so it’ll be nice to have him around again.  Emily and I, overall, did pretty well if I do say so myself.  I took her to this park on Saturday that my parents always used to take us to; in the summer we would go there for a BBQ at least once.  I remember taking our dog one time and she hated it – you couldn’t put her in the car or she thought she was going to the doctor’s so that was a not so fun experience.  But Saturday was a lot of fun.  We went to the zoo – albeit not all that great anymore – and we walked on the new boardwalk by the lake, and Emily picked up huge rocks and moved them around.  She had fun and I’m happy she enjoyed a place that meant a lot to me when I was a kid and is still important to me as part of my history.

Walking around the park made me remember what it used to look like, and the fun I had there when I was a kid.  Going to the zoo and feeding the deer was one of my favorite things to do there.  They still have them and one of the first animals Emily saw there was a baby deer, which was pretty cool.  It almost made me feel like my mom was there; the deer were her favorite animals at the zoo aside from the bear. He was big, slumberous and lazy and she loved him.

I would give just about anything to know that she was with us at the park that day.  Hell, I would give just about anything to know that she’s with us anywhere.  The zoo, the park, the living room.  I don’t care.  But I know, I won’t know.  I have a feeling that it’s on purpose, too.  If she is around, if she is with us, she doesn’t want us to know.  She doesn’t want ME to know, because I want to know so badly. Spiteful, even if death.  That wasn’t a positive trait before and it certainly isn’t now.